Break Away♥

Remembering those memories.
Taken off my old blog.

12/20/09

by Panda ^^*

Zy's death.

Why do all good things come to an end?

20th december 2009, Sunday, 9:36pm.

I hovered over you, watching closely.
Knowing every second that ticked passed would bring you closer to your time.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay with you till your last breath.
In the afternoon, when I found you in your cage, covered with your diarrhoea, with you inside, motionless.
I had to knock the cage to make sure you were alive.
And then I showered you.
You stank of shit, you were slimy with it, but I didn't care.
That was the longest time I took to shower you.
You didn't even move.
I rubbed your belly, and you didn't kick like you would.
I panicked, cause you were like half-dead.
I thought that this is the day God will take you away from me.
You lay on the floor while the water washed over you.
You didn't even bother to move.

I sat on the floor, crying and soaping you up.
I even told you not to leave me.
The water mixed together with my tears.
I carried you upstairs, where I toweled you dry.
You didn't even make an effort to move.
And then I got scolded by my sisters saying that he'd be fine; that you'd be fine.
But I know the time has come.
You made several attempts to move,
each one reminding me of a newborn chick.
Too tired and weak to move.
You didn't even have the strength to stand up properly.
Your hands and legs were sprawled over the floor, and your head tilted at the side.
You reminded me of a broken doll with broken arms and legs and a neck.
It scared me.

I saw you shaking deeply,
as if struggling to breathe properly.
'He can't breathe properly with his mouth on the floor,'
I thought.
You were breathing through your mouth and not your nose.
I wondered why.
Then when you didn't blink,
I got worried.
'He doesn't blink,' Michy said.
She even shouted at me.
But I got depressed, knowing that you had already left.

And then we soon realised, you were already gone..
All of these memories, you left me.
Some good, some bad.
But I still love you.
You scratched and bit me sometimes when you're pissed.
I got pissed and put you back into your cage.
But I'd rather get scratched and bitten by you if that could bring you back.

Why did you have to leave?
I hugged you once more, thinking that I can control.
But my whole body started shaking from the crying.
My mother made me put you back.

I'd never get to see your pretty red eyes again.
I'd never get to feel your soft, warm ears again.
I'd never get to hug your warm body close to me again.
I'd never get licked by your soft warm tongue to let me know you're thirsty again.
I'd never see your nose move up and down again.
I'd never get to kiss your soft warm fur again.
I'd never get to bring you downstairs for a walk.
I'd never see you again...

I recall the day when I first met you.
I can't remember how long ago it was, or which date and day it was.
I only remember I was in Primary school, maybe Primary 4.
I was on my way to buy groceries with my mother when I saw people crowding around the pavillon near the park.
Curious, I walked there.
And then I saw you.
White fur, red eyes and pink ears.
I caught up with you slowly and scooped you up.
How easily you fit into my arms.
As if you were meant for them.
And how I carried you right into the shop with me.
And persuading my mother to keep you.
In the end, she allowed, and I carried you all the way home.
Set you on the floor, you ran and twirled and jumped into the air,
measuring the space.
.
.
.
You were so easy to love.
And you were so special.
And I entrust God to take care of you now, in Heaven.
I'm sure you'd like him alot.
He's a fine guy.
There's so many things I'd miss about you.
Your scent, your warmth, your softness.

R.I.P, Zaiyeong.
The memories you last left me with hurt me so deeply.

12/20/09

by Panda ^^*

Delete

You're gone, you're gone.. Why did you leave?
You're gone, just like that.
And I didn't even get to say goodbye.
You were still bright, lively and healthy yesterday.
So what happened?
No explanations at all..

Day two without you didn't seem any different.
I cried myself to sleep the night before.
Without your presence life just seems different.
I feel Empty.
Weird.
Confused.
Scared.
Sad.
Emotional.
Lonely..

I looked at the glass jar filled with your fur.
I remembered during your shedding season,
you'd drop lots of fur.
When I stroke you, fur would be in my hands.
When I carry you, fur would be on my shirt.
And then Michy and I would gather all these loose fur and ball it up,
and then put it in the glass jar.
I remember last time when it was dark downstairs,
I would carry you close to me cause I was scared.

All these memories I hold dear to me.
I wonder how you feel now.
Scared?
Lonely?
Happy?
Confused?
I've decided to bring a part of you with me wherever I go,
so you won't ever feel lonely and forgotten.
I've got this mini glass bottle,
the one with the cork cap.
I've put in a small ball of your fur,
and I pressed the cork firmly.
I'm going to use a red string to tie it,
and then wear it as a necklace.
Red means love.
It doesn't lessen the pain but I feel less lonely and scared when I have you with me.
I hope that you're happy wherever you are now.

12/22/09 by Panda ^^*
Delete

22nd Dec.

Day 3 without you.
And I'm still praying.

Michy woke me up this morning.
Was rather tired as I still couldn't sleep properly.
I slept around 6am.
Then when I still continued sleeping,
she started snatching my pillows and such until i got annoyed and got out of bed.
That was 12pm.
Showered and dressed up.
Then ate 2 sliced of apples, prepared by Michy.
When my hair was almost dried, I tied it and then left the house.

Dance.

Wasn't so bad as I feared.
At least I could control my emotions better now.
I don't just break down whenever I think about zy.
I managed to improve and remember all the steps of the chinese dance,
but Jazz is still like '.......'
Then danced until around 2pm then just remembered I didn't eat lunch.
Nowonder I was feeling hungry.
Told Becky and she said she didn't eat lunch, too.
So we endured until 3pm, where teacher finally gave us a break.
She shared her biscuits with me while I took out the bottled pendant with part of him inside.
So on and so forth.
I got reminded of zy even in dance.
"Don't dance like for funeral leh,"
Teacher told the class.
And I was like .... Funeral.
.....
After dance called Mummy.
Then it started raining like bulls and hippos.
So instead of walking, Latte and I bus-ed to Yewtee.

Saw snowglobes, I like. -w-
But then it wasn't nice except for the glitter that floated inside.
The windchimes were still out of stock. ):
So another trip to yewtee tomorrow.
Bought seaweed shaker and then went to visit the kittens nearby.
And then followed by Lucky, the Husky.
I inhaled the scent of that dog breath after breath,
cause it was the only scent close to zy.
And then..
I started to miss him more and more.
That's when I broke.
Becky was laughing about Lucky,
and then turned to look at me, who was staring blankly ahead, thinking of zy.

"Hey, don't space out, or I slap you!"
She teased.
But then I didn't move.
This time she noticed the tears forming.
"What happened?"
She asked.
"I miss zaiyeong..."
I mumbled between sniffs.
And then she put her arm around my shoulder,
and walked me halfway home although her mother was expecting her home.
Thanks, I owe you one.
Then walking slowly towards home,
realizing how tired my feet were from Dance.
I pulled out my earpiece and then played a random song in my phone.

An empty street, an empty house, a hole inside my heart...

'My love' was playing, it suited how I felt perfectly.

Where the skies are blue, to see you once again, my love...

I was trying to keep myself intact when I felt someone tap my shoulder.
I turned to my left, and saw a blue tee-shirt.
And then looked slightly up to meet the gaze of Jasmine.
"Hey, cheer up," She said, then hugging me.
Right in front of the public.
And she wasn't even hesitant in the least.
I felt so touched.
"You okay?" She asked again.
We were still heading my direction,
I shook my head and said, "I miss him.."
Then Raihannah popped up on my right.
"Hey, why so emo?"
She asked.
I just shook my head.
"Well then, we'd be off, cheer up okay?"
Jasmine said.
I nodded and she hugged me again.
And then they left.

------------------------------------------------

But since I don't feel anything,
I'm not sure.
I want my feelings back..
Ever since Zy died, I've felt nothing but numbness.
I still feel happy with my friends, but that's a different thing.
The tears have stopped.
Good or bad?
It makes me scared, not to cry when I think about him.
Its like, I'm letting him slip out of my life.
But I'm not.
I still keep the pendant in my wallet,
since the string broke during dance and I asked Michy to retie.
Ever since then, I was really careful with the pendant.